EASY REDS 0 SOME OTHER TEAM 3

I can't comment on the first game as I was otherwise engaged for that game. I had a date.... with 15 pints of strong lager. I did however attend the first home league match of the season on Saturday. The match that we realised that we weren't the unbeatable superstar athletes we thought we were. I'm sure it was just a blip though. We all started worrying when their team came out a full 40 mins before kick off to start their warm up. Most of their lads looked like Olympic athletes with more six packs on show than the window display at the local Thresher store. While they went through their various cardio vascular warm up exercises we were still stood around scratching our arses trying to figure out which way around the goal nets went.

After Robinson turned the air blue with his pre-match team talk, the team finally emerged from the changing rooms looking very sharp in the new kit, emblazoned with our team sponsor's logo.
Our team sponsor, in case you didn't know, is this is darts. They sell darts and darts paraphernalia, including body suits which make you look like a 20 stone darts player.... I just made that up but if they don't sell them, they should.

Once we had emerged from the changing rooms we took a warm up session of our own. Taken by our very own number 2 / director of football Daniel Baldwin. After 30 seconds worth of shuttle runs Danny himself blacked out. This is where that £3000 we spent on our very own club defibrillator started looking like money well spent. After 20 mins without a pulse the boy Baldwin started to breath again and soon came round. There were no volunteers to administer the kiss of life so the honour fell to Daniel's bulldog Sid. The lads did continue the warm up while Baldwin was receiving treatment, and I'm pleased to say that everyone else came through it unscathed.

Soon after Baldwin's all clear the game kicked off. There was a big crowd there to watch it this week. On our side line we had our subs, my good self, Club treasurer Michael Haligan, The new father John Arnold, 42, and finally David Parker.

We started the match as per usual with Emlyn Macallister limping off after 20 mins. We managed to contain them for the first 35-40 and even put pressure on them with us looking the most likely to score! However, shortly before half time they bagged their 1st of three courtesy of a defensive mix up. By this stage I was doing incredibly well having had 3 cans of lager and not yet breaking the seal on my incredibly small bladder.

In the second half we started brightly, but their second goal almost killed us off. Their team included Jolean Lescott and John Coffee from the Green mile. The afformentioned Mr Coffee bagged a screamer of a third goal which did effectively kill us stone dead. Before that however and just after the second goal, we did have a magnificent chance to get back into the game, with Danny (still don't know his second name) sparrow rattling the woodwork. I think it was him anyway. I was very light headed at this point. After the 3rd goal went in, the only entertainment we got was their Bernard Lamar look-a-like goal keeper pulling off elaborate diving saves for shots that were more like pass backs. For the last 10 minutes he did the most running, fetching the balls from the other side of the park as shot after shot went high and wide. We ended up losing 3 bloody balls.

The manager John Robinson didn't look impressed as he left the pitch having lost half his body weight in sweat during the game. The Iranians tried to buy his pants off him after the game so they could use them for germ warfare.

All in all I had a lovely day even if the result didn't go our way. It wasn't as bad as I described it but it's more fun slagging your mate's off than sayin they did 'ok'. I do think however, we can lay the blame for the defeat solely at the feet of David Parker. Every time he comes to watch us we lose. I reckon its his demoralising rants before the game about how many lesbians he's shagged off the back of looking like Sally Webster. That and his terrible odour.

Better luck next time though pals. All the best.

P.S. After the game, unfortunately their team's star player, Jolean Lescot was hit by a bus. Luckily John Coffee used his magic healing powers and made him better. He could't unfortunately stop him looking like one of those Klingon monsters from star trek. I was still the ugliest cunt there though

PRE SEASON/ARSE END OF LAST SEASON/ START OF OUR PREPERATION/ WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT…. ANYWAY. IT’S GOING TO PLAN

12 weeks of training and 2 friendly games later and it looks as though the Easy Reds are fighting fit for next season. A 3-3 draw with St Geoff’s and a 3-0 victory against Shirley Athletic’s 5th team reserves have stood us in good stead for the coming season. We are now ready to launch our attack on the lower echelons of the Birmingham AFA Saturday league.

Mr Jonathon Cyril Robinson, Manager and self appointed left back for the team is said to be slightly pleased with the teams progress and first couple of results. I spoke to him after the victory against Shirley and he informed me in his usual well spoken, professional manor, “We’re gonna piss all over this league”. We spoke outside the Hunters moon pub. This was after a good few sherbets so I can’t quote everything he said because I was half cut myself and can’t remember most of what he said. To be fair, most of the stuff he said is un-printable anyway. Talk about turning the air blue! At one stage a man with a Bernard Manning T shirt on came over and asked him to stop being so vulgar.

I had the pleasure and the privilege of watching us turn over the severely weakened Shirley side and I must say that from what I can remember, we did very well. I wouldn’t say we made it look easy because if you’d seen Paul Rainsford after the game you would never have said he’d had an easy time. If you didn’t know him you’d have called an ambulance straight away. Talk about blowing out of your arse! I think he was a 50 yard dash away from slipping into a coma. Don’t worry though. After 20 mins in an oxygen tent he was right as rain!

Other players that shone through were Danny “sparrow”. I’ve actually got no idea what his sirname actually is, which is bad I suppose. He marshalled the midfield and always looked comfortable on the ball. He reminded me of Vince Overson when he was in his prime. He was like New Street station in that everything went through him. Nothing justified his performance better than the opposition manager’s instructions to their big number 6, which I overheard whilst running the line. His instructions were, and I quote “Tommo, Tommo, Number 10, number 10, Nail the bastard. He’s running us ragged”. Unfortunately for Tommo, he was a fat 16 stone lump who couldn’t beat his own mother in a foot race and if you asked him to show you his elbow he’d get his arse out. Safe to say then that Mr Sparrow, as I call him, got through the game unscathed and received the man of the match award. An award that doesn’t actually exist but we’ll have to sort that out.

Another player who did ‘OK’ was Duncan Goldie. He arrived at the ground in typically flamboyant style, looking like an extra from a Chuck Norris film, blowing his nose with fake 5 pound notes, refusing to walk through doors until someone opened them for him. I tell you something. He’d have been waiting outside a long time if I was the only other c*nt there! He did plenty of talking on the pitch and his trademark ‘pink with glitter finish’ size 3 boots did him proud. His ever present knee support was also worn. Just in case the people from the disability benefits office came down to ask about his dodgy knee. He bagged an early goal for the side and had a solid game in the middle of the park. By the end of the game he looked less like the aforementioned Chuck Norris and more like Shaggy, the dog friendly Hobo from Scooby Doo.

So all round the game was won, and won well. John Robinson made it through the game without picking up a card which is a first for his career. The opposition did, however, make him swap his customised, razor sharp, 2 inch studs for normal studs before the game. Emlyn Macalister also picked up what could have turned out to be a nasty injury early in the first half. The poor b*stard injured his Templeton Peck quite badly and had to come off. He temporarily lost all feeling and movement in his lower body. Strangely enough, that 10 mins was his best spell of the game.

After the game the lads went back to the changing rooms. Now let me categorically deny the vicious rumours going around. At no stage did any of the lads put blind folds on and w*nk each other off in the showers. That is simply not true!

Preseason training will continue at our multi hundred pound warm weather training facility at Arden Hall for the rest of the summer. John hopes that the lads will be back in friendly action nearer the start of the season so watch this space if you want to come and watch the live action. Unfortunately, because of serious crowd trouble in our earlier friendly with Sutton Girls Primary, we are being forced to play our first home league game behind closed doors.

See you when the season starts xx

EASY REDS FIRST OUTING COMING SOON

The Easy Reds first outing on a full size football pitch with full size goals is coming on Saturday 25th April. Our only friendly to date was on a kiddies football pitch where we were narrowly defeated by Sutton Girl's primary. Remember though, it was a friendly so that red card Robbo got for his two footed, over the ball lunge on their 10 year old left back Maisey, won't count against him in upcoming fixtures.





This game has been eagerly anticipated in all quarters. The national television network of Andorra have already been in touch about covering the game. They have put an offer of 10 Mexican peso's, a sombrara and a straw donkey on the table so far for rights to the game. Robbo is still haggling with them and is holding out for them to throw in 2000 of those tax free Marlboro Lights you can get over there along with a bottle of their strongest sangria. before he signs the deal.





The fixture is Easy Reds vs Ajax. You may be thinking this is some sort of joke... Us playing a team called Ajax. But its no joke. They really are named after a washing powder. Pure hilarity. Apparently they are in the AFA premiere league and we are aiming for a victory by at least a 10 goal margin. I hope so anyway because I've had a small punt on 15-3.



The lads will be preparing for the game in the usual way. 10 pints of lager flavoured fizzy water in the coach, a quick bar room brawl, then the cheap hookers will arrive 30 mins before kick off for the warm up. (Prostitutes provided by our proud sponsors 'This is Darts'. Providing all the arrows you'll ever need. "Darts, the sport of kings.... and fat bastards")



It will be the public's first chance to see the lad's silky skills and fantastic fitness levels. Such stars as Stuart 'pixie faced Ponce' Horton and Paul 'fat Brad Pitt' Rainsford will be turning out and will be signing autographs before and after the game. They are a bit fussy though so if you want an autograph make sure you bring your Mrs or your Mother as they will only be signing women's breasts. Stu Horton will make exceptions and will be also signing men's arses.

When we started training we started with a bunch of sorry, horribly unfit, ugly, sour faced bastards.... This was because only me and Daniel Baldwin turned up. Turns out we got the wrong day for training. It could have been worse. Paul Rainsford turned up a month early and got the wrong venue. Under Baroness John Robinson's skilled leadership we are now a bunch of sorry, slightly unfit, ugly in a good looking kind of way bastards who can play a bit of football.

Mr Robinson's management style has been likened to a mixture between Juande Ramos, in that he can't speak very good English and Martin Jol, because he looks like him and looks a twat in a baseball cap. Only time will tell if the confidence of the manager will be justified by his teams performances.

I won't be there personally. I'll be on a booze fueled scouting mission at St Andrews. I've heard Preston North End have got a few useful players. I'm sure you'll join me in wishing the lads all the best against the washing powder team.

Good luck to ya pals!!


P.s. For those of you concerned, Young Maisey has been moved out of intensive care and doctors say she should start talking again soon. They expect her to be fully recovered in the next 12 to 18 months and should be out of the wheel chair in time for Christmas. Good luck to you Maisey.

A remorseless Mr Robinson said after the game "It was a load of bollocks! Never a red card. If she can't take it she shouldn't be on the cow arsing pitch." Mr Robinson narrowly escaped a prison sentence at Solihull Magistrates court for the tackle. The judge said it was for his own safety. Maisey's Girl Guides troop have a contract out to get his legs broken and I'm proud to say I've won the contract and will be doing the honours next time I see the bastard.

Pre-season Training Starts Tonight!!

The easy reds intensive pre-season training regime starts tonight at their luxury training ground in Chelmsley Wood. I spoke with the gaffer about his training techniques and schedules and the lads will be surprised by John's technical approach to their training sessions. Describing his plans for the first session he used some very big words and technical jargon so I'll break it down for you and tell you in lamen's terms the schedule for the session tonight and what the lads will be put through.

6.44pm Arrive at the High tech training facility know as "Chelmsley Wood swimming baths"
6.45pm Pick teams
7.00pm Play 5 a side for an hour
8.00pm End of training

I'm sure you'll agree this far out and futuristic approach to football training is way ahead of its time! Sir Alex Ferguson has caught wind of these techniques and was so impressed he vowed to 'steal' some of robbo's ideas.

St John's ambulance will be on standby for some of the less fit members of the squad and they will be carrying resuscitation equipment to keep some of the lads alive through the training session. Speaking to the St John's ambulance Representative who will be present tonight he told me "looking at the lads who will be attending training tonight I'm optimistically estimating that we will suffer a maximum 3 cardiac related fatalities tonight. The rest will probably just lose the ability to walk and speak for a few days. There will be some very unfit blokes out there tonight. It is actually the case that some people just shouldn't attempt heavy exercise! It'll be a busy night that's for sure!"

Joking aside..... Actually I'd have nothing to say if we put joking aside.

As with any top football team the training ground car park will be full of flash motors tonight. Everything from Ford Escort Vans to 12 year old Rovers. One motor journalist estimated that there will be at least a grands worth of motors in the car park during tonight's session. I can't say anything though pal because my car has depreciated that much in it's 15 year life that if I sold it to you, I'd owe you money. It doesn't matter what each player drives however. One thing we can guarantee is that the good people of Chelmsley wood do not discriminate and will break into all of them. In fact, I've already tipped my brother off (He lives over the road) that there will be a lovely little R reg Rover 25 in the car park tonight.

So lets hope tonight's training session goes well and all the players get through the bloody thing. I won't be attending tonight because I picked up a niggling injury last Saturday night. I was out on the pull with a welsh friend of mine and I picked up the knock when the sheep bolted.

I will be writing any obitchuarys on this site tomorrow if tonight's session does end in any deaths. Good luck to you pals!

BREAKING NEWS........!

Robbo's old man falls off the wagon

The Easy Reds.... Coming to a Community Recreation Ground Near You PAL

The Easy Reds are the latest football team to come out of the oraphis's known as Castle Bromwich and Shard End. Inspired by the Leicestershire legend that is Mr Willie Thorne this new club is the brain child of Mr Jonathon Robinson. You might recognise Mr Robinson from his picture in the guiness book of world records where he is shown next to his record for the most times anyone has shit their pants in one night. The proud record holder and father to be, will also be the manager of this piss pot outfit.



Listed among his many attributes are a glittering footballing past which includes 82 red cards 189 yellow cards and a life time ban from Wagon Lane playing fields. He also scored an own goal once. 'Robbo' as he is affectionately known to his pals, also looks like a cross between such footballing heroes as Steve Bruce, Gary Cahill and Mr Potato head. I'm sure you'll agree that the aforementioned attributes would look good on any prospective manager's CV.



The team will be entered into the Birmingham AFA Saturday league where they will start in the bottom division, which I think is division 31. This will be a tough test for a lot of Robbo's pals, some of whom haven't played to a standard higher than the U13's girl guides league.



One of his pals that might just get a game is David Parker. Mr Parker, a silver medalist with team GB's blind football team at last year's paralympics, will relish the challenge of playing at his highest ever level. Dave, who looks about 12 and stands 2 ft 9 inches tall, has played with the gaffer in the past back when robbo weighed 32 stone and had to be carried to the pitch from the changing room in a wheel barrow. Despite his weight problems, Robbo used to win the regular 100 yard races between the pair. This mainly due to the fact that Dave had passed out and almost died after 25 yards. But there is no quicker player over 25 yards though pal.



Another potential player is me (Phil Ryan) the man Pele once called the biggest hairiest horriblest bastard he had ever seen. I see myself as a flamboyant striker slash flair midfield player. I've got the turn of pace of a paralysed slug and the football brain of Julian Clary. On the ball I mix the grace and elegance of an African elephant with the poise and composure of cornered virgin. I can see me playing a key role in Mr Robinson's team..... Carrying the water bottles and running the line.



In conclusion I'm sure your as excited as I am about the forthcoming 2009/10 season. The 38,452nd tier of English football wait in anticipation as we attempt to rise like a salmon through the divisions. Robbo has a five year plan, and together with his chairman who has ploughed £32 into the club they expect European football within five years. I presume by that they mean a game of beach football on the costa del booze on a good old fashioned end of season piss up in May. I'll let you know all the latest breaking club news such as how many times robbo gets naked on team nights out and when we get banned from the league for being so fucked up on booze we nick the goal posts to sell them as scrap metal.... I think playing on a Saturday afternoon could be a bad idea.



So stay tuned PALS xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx