EASY REDS 0 SOME OTHER TEAM 3

I can't comment on the first game as I was otherwise engaged for that game. I had a date.... with 15 pints of strong lager. I did however attend the first home league match of the season on Saturday. The match that we realised that we weren't the unbeatable superstar athletes we thought we were. I'm sure it was just a blip though. We all started worrying when their team came out a full 40 mins before kick off to start their warm up. Most of their lads looked like Olympic athletes with more six packs on show than the window display at the local Thresher store. While they went through their various cardio vascular warm up exercises we were still stood around scratching our arses trying to figure out which way around the goal nets went.

After Robinson turned the air blue with his pre-match team talk, the team finally emerged from the changing rooms looking very sharp in the new kit, emblazoned with our team sponsor's logo.
Our team sponsor, in case you didn't know, is this is darts. They sell darts and darts paraphernalia, including body suits which make you look like a 20 stone darts player.... I just made that up but if they don't sell them, they should.

Once we had emerged from the changing rooms we took a warm up session of our own. Taken by our very own number 2 / director of football Daniel Baldwin. After 30 seconds worth of shuttle runs Danny himself blacked out. This is where that £3000 we spent on our very own club defibrillator started looking like money well spent. After 20 mins without a pulse the boy Baldwin started to breath again and soon came round. There were no volunteers to administer the kiss of life so the honour fell to Daniel's bulldog Sid. The lads did continue the warm up while Baldwin was receiving treatment, and I'm pleased to say that everyone else came through it unscathed.

Soon after Baldwin's all clear the game kicked off. There was a big crowd there to watch it this week. On our side line we had our subs, my good self, Club treasurer Michael Haligan, The new father John Arnold, 42, and finally David Parker.

We started the match as per usual with Emlyn Macallister limping off after 20 mins. We managed to contain them for the first 35-40 and even put pressure on them with us looking the most likely to score! However, shortly before half time they bagged their 1st of three courtesy of a defensive mix up. By this stage I was doing incredibly well having had 3 cans of lager and not yet breaking the seal on my incredibly small bladder.

In the second half we started brightly, but their second goal almost killed us off. Their team included Jolean Lescott and John Coffee from the Green mile. The afformentioned Mr Coffee bagged a screamer of a third goal which did effectively kill us stone dead. Before that however and just after the second goal, we did have a magnificent chance to get back into the game, with Danny (still don't know his second name) sparrow rattling the woodwork. I think it was him anyway. I was very light headed at this point. After the 3rd goal went in, the only entertainment we got was their Bernard Lamar look-a-like goal keeper pulling off elaborate diving saves for shots that were more like pass backs. For the last 10 minutes he did the most running, fetching the balls from the other side of the park as shot after shot went high and wide. We ended up losing 3 bloody balls.

The manager John Robinson didn't look impressed as he left the pitch having lost half his body weight in sweat during the game. The Iranians tried to buy his pants off him after the game so they could use them for germ warfare.

All in all I had a lovely day even if the result didn't go our way. It wasn't as bad as I described it but it's more fun slagging your mate's off than sayin they did 'ok'. I do think however, we can lay the blame for the defeat solely at the feet of David Parker. Every time he comes to watch us we lose. I reckon its his demoralising rants before the game about how many lesbians he's shagged off the back of looking like Sally Webster. That and his terrible odour.

Better luck next time though pals. All the best.

P.S. After the game, unfortunately their team's star player, Jolean Lescot was hit by a bus. Luckily John Coffee used his magic healing powers and made him better. He could't unfortunately stop him looking like one of those Klingon monsters from star trek. I was still the ugliest cunt there though