PRE SEASON/ARSE END OF LAST SEASON/ START OF OUR PREPERATION/ WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT…. ANYWAY. IT’S GOING TO PLAN

12 weeks of training and 2 friendly games later and it looks as though the Easy Reds are fighting fit for next season. A 3-3 draw with St Geoff’s and a 3-0 victory against Shirley Athletic’s 5th team reserves have stood us in good stead for the coming season. We are now ready to launch our attack on the lower echelons of the Birmingham AFA Saturday league.

Mr Jonathon Cyril Robinson, Manager and self appointed left back for the team is said to be slightly pleased with the teams progress and first couple of results. I spoke to him after the victory against Shirley and he informed me in his usual well spoken, professional manor, “We’re gonna piss all over this league”. We spoke outside the Hunters moon pub. This was after a good few sherbets so I can’t quote everything he said because I was half cut myself and can’t remember most of what he said. To be fair, most of the stuff he said is un-printable anyway. Talk about turning the air blue! At one stage a man with a Bernard Manning T shirt on came over and asked him to stop being so vulgar.

I had the pleasure and the privilege of watching us turn over the severely weakened Shirley side and I must say that from what I can remember, we did very well. I wouldn’t say we made it look easy because if you’d seen Paul Rainsford after the game you would never have said he’d had an easy time. If you didn’t know him you’d have called an ambulance straight away. Talk about blowing out of your arse! I think he was a 50 yard dash away from slipping into a coma. Don’t worry though. After 20 mins in an oxygen tent he was right as rain!

Other players that shone through were Danny “sparrow”. I’ve actually got no idea what his sirname actually is, which is bad I suppose. He marshalled the midfield and always looked comfortable on the ball. He reminded me of Vince Overson when he was in his prime. He was like New Street station in that everything went through him. Nothing justified his performance better than the opposition manager’s instructions to their big number 6, which I overheard whilst running the line. His instructions were, and I quote “Tommo, Tommo, Number 10, number 10, Nail the bastard. He’s running us ragged”. Unfortunately for Tommo, he was a fat 16 stone lump who couldn’t beat his own mother in a foot race and if you asked him to show you his elbow he’d get his arse out. Safe to say then that Mr Sparrow, as I call him, got through the game unscathed and received the man of the match award. An award that doesn’t actually exist but we’ll have to sort that out.

Another player who did ‘OK’ was Duncan Goldie. He arrived at the ground in typically flamboyant style, looking like an extra from a Chuck Norris film, blowing his nose with fake 5 pound notes, refusing to walk through doors until someone opened them for him. I tell you something. He’d have been waiting outside a long time if I was the only other c*nt there! He did plenty of talking on the pitch and his trademark ‘pink with glitter finish’ size 3 boots did him proud. His ever present knee support was also worn. Just in case the people from the disability benefits office came down to ask about his dodgy knee. He bagged an early goal for the side and had a solid game in the middle of the park. By the end of the game he looked less like the aforementioned Chuck Norris and more like Shaggy, the dog friendly Hobo from Scooby Doo.

So all round the game was won, and won well. John Robinson made it through the game without picking up a card which is a first for his career. The opposition did, however, make him swap his customised, razor sharp, 2 inch studs for normal studs before the game. Emlyn Macalister also picked up what could have turned out to be a nasty injury early in the first half. The poor b*stard injured his Templeton Peck quite badly and had to come off. He temporarily lost all feeling and movement in his lower body. Strangely enough, that 10 mins was his best spell of the game.

After the game the lads went back to the changing rooms. Now let me categorically deny the vicious rumours going around. At no stage did any of the lads put blind folds on and w*nk each other off in the showers. That is simply not true!

Preseason training will continue at our multi hundred pound warm weather training facility at Arden Hall for the rest of the summer. John hopes that the lads will be back in friendly action nearer the start of the season so watch this space if you want to come and watch the live action. Unfortunately, because of serious crowd trouble in our earlier friendly with Sutton Girls Primary, we are being forced to play our first home league game behind closed doors.

See you when the season starts xx