Pre-season Training Starts Tonight!!

The easy reds intensive pre-season training regime starts tonight at their luxury training ground in Chelmsley Wood. I spoke with the gaffer about his training techniques and schedules and the lads will be surprised by John's technical approach to their training sessions. Describing his plans for the first session he used some very big words and technical jargon so I'll break it down for you and tell you in lamen's terms the schedule for the session tonight and what the lads will be put through.

6.44pm Arrive at the High tech training facility know as "Chelmsley Wood swimming baths"
6.45pm Pick teams
7.00pm Play 5 a side for an hour
8.00pm End of training

I'm sure you'll agree this far out and futuristic approach to football training is way ahead of its time! Sir Alex Ferguson has caught wind of these techniques and was so impressed he vowed to 'steal' some of robbo's ideas.

St John's ambulance will be on standby for some of the less fit members of the squad and they will be carrying resuscitation equipment to keep some of the lads alive through the training session. Speaking to the St John's ambulance Representative who will be present tonight he told me "looking at the lads who will be attending training tonight I'm optimistically estimating that we will suffer a maximum 3 cardiac related fatalities tonight. The rest will probably just lose the ability to walk and speak for a few days. There will be some very unfit blokes out there tonight. It is actually the case that some people just shouldn't attempt heavy exercise! It'll be a busy night that's for sure!"

Joking aside..... Actually I'd have nothing to say if we put joking aside.

As with any top football team the training ground car park will be full of flash motors tonight. Everything from Ford Escort Vans to 12 year old Rovers. One motor journalist estimated that there will be at least a grands worth of motors in the car park during tonight's session. I can't say anything though pal because my car has depreciated that much in it's 15 year life that if I sold it to you, I'd owe you money. It doesn't matter what each player drives however. One thing we can guarantee is that the good people of Chelmsley wood do not discriminate and will break into all of them. In fact, I've already tipped my brother off (He lives over the road) that there will be a lovely little R reg Rover 25 in the car park tonight.

So lets hope tonight's training session goes well and all the players get through the bloody thing. I won't be attending tonight because I picked up a niggling injury last Saturday night. I was out on the pull with a welsh friend of mine and I picked up the knock when the sheep bolted.

I will be writing any obitchuarys on this site tomorrow if tonight's session does end in any deaths. Good luck to you pals!

BREAKING NEWS........!

Robbo's old man falls off the wagon

The Easy Reds.... Coming to a Community Recreation Ground Near You PAL

The Easy Reds are the latest football team to come out of the oraphis's known as Castle Bromwich and Shard End. Inspired by the Leicestershire legend that is Mr Willie Thorne this new club is the brain child of Mr Jonathon Robinson. You might recognise Mr Robinson from his picture in the guiness book of world records where he is shown next to his record for the most times anyone has shit their pants in one night. The proud record holder and father to be, will also be the manager of this piss pot outfit.



Listed among his many attributes are a glittering footballing past which includes 82 red cards 189 yellow cards and a life time ban from Wagon Lane playing fields. He also scored an own goal once. 'Robbo' as he is affectionately known to his pals, also looks like a cross between such footballing heroes as Steve Bruce, Gary Cahill and Mr Potato head. I'm sure you'll agree that the aforementioned attributes would look good on any prospective manager's CV.



The team will be entered into the Birmingham AFA Saturday league where they will start in the bottom division, which I think is division 31. This will be a tough test for a lot of Robbo's pals, some of whom haven't played to a standard higher than the U13's girl guides league.



One of his pals that might just get a game is David Parker. Mr Parker, a silver medalist with team GB's blind football team at last year's paralympics, will relish the challenge of playing at his highest ever level. Dave, who looks about 12 and stands 2 ft 9 inches tall, has played with the gaffer in the past back when robbo weighed 32 stone and had to be carried to the pitch from the changing room in a wheel barrow. Despite his weight problems, Robbo used to win the regular 100 yard races between the pair. This mainly due to the fact that Dave had passed out and almost died after 25 yards. But there is no quicker player over 25 yards though pal.



Another potential player is me (Phil Ryan) the man Pele once called the biggest hairiest horriblest bastard he had ever seen. I see myself as a flamboyant striker slash flair midfield player. I've got the turn of pace of a paralysed slug and the football brain of Julian Clary. On the ball I mix the grace and elegance of an African elephant with the poise and composure of cornered virgin. I can see me playing a key role in Mr Robinson's team..... Carrying the water bottles and running the line.



In conclusion I'm sure your as excited as I am about the forthcoming 2009/10 season. The 38,452nd tier of English football wait in anticipation as we attempt to rise like a salmon through the divisions. Robbo has a five year plan, and together with his chairman who has ploughed £32 into the club they expect European football within five years. I presume by that they mean a game of beach football on the costa del booze on a good old fashioned end of season piss up in May. I'll let you know all the latest breaking club news such as how many times robbo gets naked on team nights out and when we get banned from the league for being so fucked up on booze we nick the goal posts to sell them as scrap metal.... I think playing on a Saturday afternoon could be a bad idea.



So stay tuned PALS xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx